In our house this year, we decided to nix the whole idea of presents being dependent on naughty or nice behavior.
Everyone is nice. Everyone is human. And even when we do things that might seem bad, Santa knows we’re good people.
Last night before bed, my son expressed some concern about starting a virtual class with his school in Ecuador at the beginning of next year. I thought it would be good for him to connect with his old teacher, who we love. And give him a place to practice Spanish, since he’s been hesitant to speak it.
He told me he’s scared and that he doesn’t remember how to speak Spanish.
I understand, I say.
I also get scared to speak in Spanish sometimes. And I pointed out an example that day when we went to the Farmer’s Market and my husband confidently spoke to the vendors.
I’ll get there.
Maybe next week.
It’s okay to be scared.
To which he said…
I don’t want to be scared. Or cry. Or be angry. If I do, Santa won’t bring me gifts.
I asked him why he thought that, to which he said…the song, mommy.
You better watch out.
You better not cry.
Until the very last second of the day. Stretching my brain and heart to those limits of how to explain life and a world around us that I’m still figuring out for myself.
So I reminded him of truth. The truth talk we had a couple days ago about masks. Why some people don’t wear them and why they think they’re bad or even dangerous. And I explained that everyone has their own truth. While we may not agree, we can respect that their truth is true to them. We can’t convince them otherwise or judge them. And the same is with Christmas.
Some families believe Santa will only bring gifts to nice kids.
While our family thinks that all kids are nice. That all people are inherently good people.
And that it’s okay to be scared. To cry and pout. To feel emotion. Acknowledge it and then let it go into the sky like the shooting stars we see at night.
He snuggles closer and my lecture has lulled him even deeper into sleep. I’m not sure if he even heard me, but he continues to mumble something about mommies never being scared.
If he only knew.
But it’s okay.
Better than okay.
Because for the first time ever. I’m okay with acknowledging my fears. Feeling all the feels of not living up to impossible expectations I set for myself. And just allowing myself to be human. Believing in who I am even when I’m not who I think I should be.
I feel free.
I turn off the light.
Happy Christmas to all. And to all a good-night.