A Big Baby

It’s not impossible. But if you were my wife or daughter, I would recommend a C-section.

He says it gently, as he knows it’s not what I want to hear.

More answers to consider in an ongoing question of whether I’ll be able to deliver my baby naturally. As the weeks tick by, she’s only getting bigger. Statistically speaking, she’s already too large for my body and has been for quite some time. At almost 39 weeks, I’m measuring at 43 weeks on a 5’1 frame that started off at 110 lbs and has since ballooned up to 155. Her growth chart surpassing the grid jetting off into white space showing no signs of concaving.

We’ve gotten the second opinion. One that reiterated the same thing. Big head. Giant body. Small pelvis. His threshold had me at gaining a maximum of one pound before crossing the point of no return. And that was two weeks ago. Her noggin at the time already an intimidating 9 cm circumference.

In my mind, I know it doesn’t matter.

What’s important is the baby is healthy. Not necessarily how she gets here. But there’s something inside of me. That hippie part of me. That wants to try. That feels like a natural delivery is somehow superior to scheduling a C-section despite all the odds. And maybe even a little bit of selfish pride in it all. Another strange burden we mothers place on ourselves in this role. Something we find in that additional sacrifice that we can claim as a victory if we can bear the full and complete pain of labor and delivery.

As if there wasn’t already wasn’t already enough sacrifice.

And suddenly I don’t even know what I’m holding onto so tightly or why.

An idea of something over cold hard facts.

Hours of terrible pain to push something out of a space that has already been declared too small. That might not matter anyway meaning I’ll have to heal from the bottom up. Just so I can say I tried and have the potential to say that against all odds – I did it.

We go back and forth for a bit.

He’s seen it happen before, relaying stories of tiny indigenous women who manage to birth hearty sized babies. Science and life are very different things, he says.

Ain’t that the truth.

For now, the baby is healthy and so am I. Albeit tired and conflicted. We schedule an appointment for the following week, but the verdict is already in. The decision though, is up to me and what I choose to do with all the information that has been laid out.

I remember what my friend the midwife told me.

Your body won’t produce a baby that you can’t deliver naturally.

So for now we wait.

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